Funny Junk

2007-08-27T09:33:00.001-07:00

Funnies for Hot weather!!!

Its so hot......

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is,
'What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?'
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground,
so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The Baptists have started sprinkling.
The Methodists are using a wet wash cloth.
The Presbyterians are giving rain checks.
The Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.
STAY

2007-08-16T14:04:00.000-07:00

www.randominsults.com

You're not stupid... just possessed by a retarded ghost.
Have you considered suing your brains for lack of support?
You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.

2007-07-24T07:01:00.001-07:00

MOM - JOB DESCRIPTION
>>>
>>>This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, no one would
have
>>>done it!!!!
>>>
>>>
>>>POSITION :
>>>Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma
>>>
>>>
>>>JOB DESCRIPTION:
>>>Long term, team players needed, for
>>>challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment.
Candidates
>>>must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and
be
>>>willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and
weekends
>>>and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required,
>>>including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and
endless
>>>sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not
reimbursed.
>>>Extensive courier duties also required.
>>>
>>>RESPONSIBILITIES:
>>>The rest of your life. Must be willing
>>>to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be
>>>willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical
>>>stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in
three
>>>seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are
not
>>>someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating
technical
>>>challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish
toilets
>>>and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
>>>coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have
ability
>>>to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and
>>>mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an
>>>embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety
testing
>>>of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
>>>Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must
assume
>>>final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
>>>Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
>>>throughout the facility.
>>>
>>>POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION:
>>>Virtually none. Your job is to remain in
>>>the same position for years, without complaining, constantly
retraining
>>>and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately
>>>surpass you
>>>
>>>
>>>PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
>>>None required unfortunately. On-the-job
>>>training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
>>>
>>>
>>>WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
>>>Get this! You pay them! Offering
>>>frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn
18
>>>because of the assumption that college will help them become
financially
>>>independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The
oddest
>>>thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it
and
>>>wish you could only do more.
>>>
>>>BENEFITS:
>>>While no health or dental insurance, no
>>>pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock
options
>>>are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal
>>>growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
>>>~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>Forward this on to all the Moms you
>>>know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, and
let
>>>them know they are appreciated.
>>>
>>>
>>>________________________________

2007-07-12T13:20:00.001-07:00

Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
(I apologize to all my Tennessee cousins!

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
Documentaries

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas.
If it were invented anywhere else, it would have >been called a teethbrush.

2007-07-12T13:18:00.001-07:00

Just Checking

Just thought I'd look in on you to see if you are alright....... yep, you are. AND YOU LOOK BUSY. Have a nice day